The happiest saddest day

Her deterioration was much faster than I had expected.  Eventhough the doctor said she had probably 2-3 days left to live、somehow I didn't actually believe it.  She was still walking on Sunday night、with my support、and now just a day later the doctors said that she had 2-3 days left?  Somehow it didn't make sense.

But it seems that they were right.  On Sunday night she could still utter words、though sometimes not clearly、but by Tuesday she couldn't speak at all.  She slept for most of the day、and her eyes were closed most of the time even when she was awake、she couldn't keep them opened.   She always looked tired and breathed heavily in between spurts of no breathing as if she was running a marathon. Her body was shutting down.  She could now only communicate by nodding when we asked her questions、or squeeze our hands when we ask her a question as a way to respond.  She was trapped inside her own body.

It's such a strange mixed conflict of emotions.  When she slept、she looked so pieceful、but she could not respond to anything we said.  When she was awake、I was so happy to get some response from her.  However、when she was awake I can tell that she was in constant pain.  We were constantly tiliting her to the left and right as her body aked from the long time in bed.  Or we would try to keep her cool by using a wet towel.  Or we would have to ask the nurse to increase the morphine dose as she starts to move from constant pain in her stomach.  The pain of seeing your loved one suffer is something that must be experienced to be understood.  We all have to die、this I accept.  But is the suffering necessary?  I wondered.

The end neared as her blood pressure fell、and her heart rate started to drop.  We tried to make her as comfortable as possible、but it was nearly impossible to know what she wanted since she could no longer respond、 not even nodding or hand squeezing.  Her hands start to feel cold as the body tries to save the vital organs by diverting the blood to her body、away from her finger tips and feet.  Her heart started to slow slowly over the course of Wednesday night when the nurse said that her time is very near.  She's no longer moving.  Her mouth slightly opened、as some purplish black liquid starts dripping from her mouth from time to time.  I thought I knew what it was、I had read that as a person dies their body starts to loose control of keeping some liquids inside the body.  This was the end.

The heart rate dropped from 118 to 100 to 90 to 80 then suddenly down to 50-60.  No response at all.  This was the end I was sure.  Then her eyes half opened.  I wasn't sure if she was awake but the way she looked at me told me that she could see me.  I held her hand and started speaking to her.  I also opened one of her favourite songs、"nightingale serenade"、performed by her recent favourite musician Andre Rieu.  It was suddenly warm.  It was the first time her hand has been warm since last night.  Tears start streaming down my eyes as the song starts.  I could still remember her saying how this song was "so beautiful" as she fell asleep only 4 days earlier.

I told her how I was doing well and that she had nothing to worry any more.  I told her that her grand daughter was being a little spoiled by getting attention of everyone around her、but not to worry、I would discipline her.  Then my sister talked she told our mother to not worry about her、that she will help take care of dad.  "You can sleep peacefully now"...  And just like that her eyes closed and her heart slowed to a stop.  She could hear us、I was sure of it.  She came to say goodbye to us.

We all cried、it was so sad.  It was one of the saddest days in my life.  But at the same time it was also one of the happiest days for me because I got to say my last goodbye to my mum.  I was there in the end the support her in her last moment.  It was a blessing、that I am sure many may not be able to experiance、to be with your loved one、holding their hand to comfort them and looking them in the eye in the last moment.  As their eyes shut、shut never to open again...

So the wait begins ...

She doesn't have much time left、 was what I heard.  It was the first and only time I heard my father cry.  How much I wondered 、I wanted to ask、but decided not to.  Does it matter how much exactly?  Does anyone actually know exactly?  No、I didn't think anyone knew、not even the doctors.  They could guess I suppose.  But I didn't ask、because from the tone I knew it was't long.  I later found out.  She could go at any moment、or may be around "as long as" a month.

"If there is anything that you want to do、its your last chance."  He told me.  What can I do now I thought.  She has no energy left.  She spends all day and night asleep at the hospital bed、waking up once every few hours for only a minute or two.  But as I found out、there was something that I could do.  I could talk to her、she can hear me but doesn't respond much.  She's too tired、it seems to take effort just to open her eyes and utter a few words.  And I could hold her hand、and she would hold mine more tightly than what I expected her to be able to.  It's my way of communicating、just to tell her that she is not alone.  I'm here besides her.  I'm sure I will cherish this moment.

I also told her some things that I had never told her before.  My last chance to tell her.  "You have taken care of me so well throughout your life.  I am so lucky to have been born as your son."  "I am also happy to have you as my son" she responded.

"You might not remember but when I was in Japan I called you to tell you about it、I had a dream.  In the dream I was little、maybe 4-5 years old.  I was walking with you、and you were holding my hand.  That was all that the dream was.  But I woke up from that dream crying and called you.  That was the first time I thought of coming back home. " It made me think how I would feel if you were gone and I didn't get a chance to be with my mum in her last moments.  Though it was years after that when I finally came back、that dream was what started it all.  It was always on the back of my mind.

"When I came back and found out that you were sick.  You had problems with the side effects of your medication.  You didn't want to take them.  At that time I was trying to have a child.  I wanted to say、"mum please try a little harder、wait to see your grand child".  But I didn't say anything、because I wasn't sure I would ever have a child.  So when she was born、my child、 I was so happy.  Not only because we wanted the child but also so she could meet you.  I hoped that she would give you something to want to continue to live for.  To see your grand child.  I'm so happy you got to meet her、and that she got to meet her grandmother."

"She is a cute kid", was all that she could find the energy to say、before dozing off again.

ใช้วีวิตอย่างเต็มที่

เมื่อวานอายุก็ขึ้นเลข3แล้ว แต่อาจเป็นเพราะว่าพึ่งเริ่มทำงานได้ไม่นานก็เลยไม่ได้รู้สึกแก่มากนัก ตอนช่วงพึกงานเคยมีคนถามเหมือนกันว่า จะ30แล้วไม่รู้สึกไม่ดีหรือเมื่อคิดถึงอายุตัวเองวว่าแก่แล้วหรือ เราก็ตอบว่าไม่ได้รู้สึกอย่างนั้่นหรอกได้อย่างไม่ต้องคิดมาก เขาก็ตอบมาว่าอาจเป็นเพราะว่าเราเป็นผู้ชาย (คนถามเป็นผู้หญิงอายุ 24) เขาบอกว่าเมื่อเขาคิดถึงว่าได้อายุ24แล้วก็จะรู้สึกแย่นิดหน่อยเพราะว่าจะ แก่แล้ว

เมื่อเราได้มาคิดทีหลังว่าทำไมเราถึงได้ตอบไปได้อย่างไม่ได้คิดมากเรื่อง อายุ คิดว่าส่วนหนึ่งอาจจะถูก เพราะว่าเราเป้นผู้ชาย แต่ว่าอีกเหตุผลหนึ่งก็อาจเป็นได้ว่า ยังไงคนเราก็ต้องแก่ลงตามอายุ สิ่งที่สำคัญไม่ได้อยู่ที่ว่าอายุเท่าไหร่ มากเท่ากับว่าในเวลาที่ผ่านมานั้นเราได้ใช้ชีวิตไปอย่างไร เมื่อเราคิดอย่างนั้นแล้วเรารู้สึกว่า 30ปีที่ได้ผ่านไปในชิวิตของเรานั้่น ได้ไปมาหลายที เจอคนหลากหลาย ประสปการหลายอย่าง ได้เรียนรู้หากหลาย ได้เห็นอะไรต่างๆ ได้ทำในสิ่งที่อยากจะทำ ชีวิตได้ทำเนินไปได้ดีในโดยรวม ถึงแม้ว่าทุกๆอย่างจะไม่ได้เป็นไปตามที่ต้องการเสมอไป แต่เราก็พยายามหาอะไรใหม่ๆมาทำ มาเีรียนรู้เป็นประสปการเสมอ ถึงแม้ว่าต่อนี้ไปชีวิตอาจจะไม่ได้ราบรื่นเท่่าที่ผ่านมา ก็ยังอากจะใช้ชีวิตอย่างต็มที่เท่าที่สถานการจะอำนวย ไม่อยากให้เวลาผ่านไปวันๆ ไม่อยากให้วันหยุดผ่านไปเหมือนก้ับอาทิตย์ที่แล้วทุกๆอาทิตย์ที่ผ่านมา ไม่อยากให้สิ่งที่คิดอยากจะทำต้องรอไปเรื่อยๆ(เท่าที่จะทำได้) เพื่อที่ได้ว่า อีก30ปี มีใครมาถามเราอีกว่า 60แล้วไม่ได้รู้สึกแย่หรือว่าแก่แล้ว เราจะได้ตอบกลับไปได้อย่างเช่นเดิมว่า ไม้หรอก เราได้ใช้ชีวิตอย่างเต็มที่แล้ว

Won't be updating my blog for a while

Sorry folks, I just wanted to say that I won't be updating my blog for a while. It's been hectic lately moving to a new apartment, new environment, new ... um, some of you reading this get the idea of what I'm talking about =). Above all, I still don't have the internet connection, and it will be quite a while before it can be installed. Please drop by, but maybe a little later.

A ride to the past

There has been an exhibition of ancient Egyptian artifacts in Tokyo art gallery for quite some time now and my friends and I have been meaning to see it while it's still around. The exhibition is part of the collection from Louve museum in France, and I guess it would be interesting to go see it while it's easily accessible in Tokyo.

It was supposed to be a fine day, with only moderate clouds. I say it's supposed to be because the day's weather forecast said so, but I guess past experiances have shown me that the weather forecase in this country is not as accurate as you may expect for such a technologically advanced country.

The day seemed to be going well until we had our lunch at a curry-rice shop (a big hit in Japan) and it started to pour down with rain that remineded me of a tropical storm than one I would expect here. We ran across the street into the train station, which would head us to the exhibition getting thoroughly soaked in the process, and got on a train. Since the exhibition is quite a few stops away, we found 3 empty seats and sat down. I lisened as my other two friends chatted, as my eyes gazed outside. The rain didn't seem like it was going to stop, darn that weather forecast! The streaks of water droplets streemed the side of the glass, as more rain poured. It seemed that the storm had only just begun.

"Is that Thai you're speaking?", came a voice from my left. His face was wrinkled with age, and the suit that he was dressed in is a norm for Japanese business men or "salary man". He was maybe in his late forties, early fifties guessing from the grey of his hair. The language that he was speaking, was ofcause Japanese.

"Yes, it is actually", I was supprised. Not many Japanese knew the difference between Thai and say, Chinese, and I'm supprised that this man guessed right. "You have been to Thailand before?", that could only be the answer I thought, if he'd lived in Thailand before he would have known.

"It was a long time ago, I worked in Laos for a few years a long time ago", he said casually. I was supprized that he should start a conversation, especially in the busy train like this one. Japanese are not know to usually be the first to start a conversation with a stranger, and especially not on a busy place like a train in Tokyo. There's something different in this man.

"It's changed a lot now, I guess right?..."

"Um, well I'm not sure,... I haven't been to Laos for a while", actually I couldn't remember the last time I went to Laos, and even in that time I was probably only technically inside Laos's boarder.

"It used to be, you know,..." he made his had like a gun, "...very dangerous, with the military over there..". "It was a long time ago..." There were no disgust, or fear in his eyes when he said it. Instead he just glanced up slightly, a slight bitter sweet smile in his expression. He was remembering, and the memories were good, I could tell.

"You haven't been back there for a visit since then?", I questioned.

"Um..., no...."

It was a little strange really, although he started the conversation he didn't say much or seemed particularly eager to talk.
"How old are you? Um...Twenty something maybe?" he asked,

".... I'm 26"

"Um, yes ... I was working there when I was exactly your age...", still gazing up the smile seemed to widen slightly. Some how I knew that at that moment he wasn't on the train, at least not his soul. His eyes gazed passed the advertisements alighed between the top of the train's window and the ceiling, out of the train... He wasn't fifty, with maybe a wife and kids to worry about weather he was making enough for the family. He wasn't in the hectic rush of life which is Tokyo, working endless hours to keep his company and family afloat. He was 26, maybe still single. He was working in Laos, and those were good times of youth. Difficult time streess with work, joy and happiness, difficulties getting around communicating with people, times of sorrow, loneliness and missing home, enjoying and travelling and going out with his friends, excitement, energy, love ... living life. Life might not always be easy then, but at least he was younger, and had the energy to enjoy life, and to face any problems that he may come to face with. He didn't say that literally, but his eyes told me so. I started to understand now why he first started this conversation with me. Our chatter has brought back to life a good memory in his past, and he needed to confirm it to continue his memory's journey. So much memories would have gushed out, he must have been lost in them. I didn't want to disturb him, so I turned and talked to my friend.

The train stopped, and with the usual chime it's doors slid open. The rain was crashing down hard in the gap between the roof of the station and the train. The large droplets and wind made sure the station was wet. "I'm sorry to have disturbed the conversation with your friend," he told me suddenly.

"Um ... No problem, I smiled", somehow I thought I understood why he needed to start the conversation. He then got up suddenly, and hopped out to the station, half running to avoid getting too wet.

As I gazed out the train's door where he had just ran out, beyond the rain and the station, I think I understood what he must have felt. Maybe 20, 30 years from now I'll be riding on a train somewhere, one day, and I'll turn to the young man sitting next to me as I hear him converse, and ask him "Is that Japanese you're speaking?" And just like that; .... the flood gates would open...

Earthquake

Through I've had the chance to live at quite a few different places they all have one thing in common. Never, during the time where I've lived in those places, even for a fleeting moment did I feel unsafe. This is a little different in Japan, it's here that I've felt, if only for a flashing moment the feeling of being in a potentially unsafe environment.

I wouldn't say I'm the sort of person who panics, in an earthquake situation. At least when compared to others. It's strange really, the first earthquake I felt when I came to Tokyo was only a few days after arriving. I was in the kitchen cooking something (potentially very dangerous now that I think about it), with something in the frying pan. I felt a shake, it wasn't strong, just slight, but distinct enought to be felt. My first though was that it was a train. You see, our dorm, is right next to the train track, so I often hear the sound of the train rushing by. Sometimes, I think there is also a little vibration as the train passes by, so my natural instinct when I felt the tremor was that I thought it was a train. But then I noticed that the sound of the train has passed, and the tremor was a little too strong to be that of the train. I just stopped for a moment, then went on with my cooking. "Oh, it's an earthquake I though". Somehow, I have kown that this country often had earthquake, and since it wasn't very strong, I just thought it was a normal thing. Little did I know that at the same time, some of my friends on the adjacent building was already in panic, rushing out of their room and approaching the emergency stair case. Maybe it was my lack of knowledge of earthquake, or the assumption that I held that in an earthquake prone country of Japan the buildings are built to withstand such quakes, I'm not sure. But I did not feel any panic \, at all, rather unusual for a guy who's felt an earthquake for the first time I'd say when I think about it now.

Since then I've experianced many more earthquakes, and maybe it's because my knowledge of earthquakes and the situation of Japan with relation to earthquakes, or the fact that recently earthquakes here have been unusually frequent and strong, did the though come across my mind of how potentially deadly it could be. I could say that the one that really shook me up was one last month, a 5 with it's epicentre very near to Tokyo. It was a Saturday afternoon, I was at the lab alone, getting ready for my presentation the following Monday. My friends were at a seminar, in a new building on the other side of campus. I had attended the seminar in the morning, but decided to skip the afternoon session since I've already listened to the topic once before, and had work to catch up on. I was listening to music, doing my work when I felt my seat start to shake. The tremor was stronger than normal, and it started to shake harder, I immidately unplugged my earphones, deciding weather I should go under the table, or run out of the building (our lab is on the third floor). Our building is pretty old, and it's condition shows it. As the shaking increased, the glass begin to rattle harder and harder with the blinds crashing on to it. Something crashing hard against each other, I bended and though if it gets any harder I'll have to take the cover of my table, and brace for the worse. At that moment it flashed through my mind. "Is this the beginning of the end?", and then just like that it stopped. I became calm. I waited for a while, making sure that it really had stopped. I got out walked to the corridor, there was just one other guy in the building. He also came out of his building, a western guy with blond hair. I looked around, I looked at him, he looked at me. We said nothing, he continued on his way, I continued on with mine, as if nothing has happened. But ofcause something did, we both knew it, but maybe both of us didn't want to say anything at that time. I got back to work, sitting on my computer seat. For a couple of hours after that I though I felt small shaking. I say I thought because I didn't know if there really was a quake, or just my imagination. Was it an aftershock? Or did my mind make it up. I didn't know.

After a few hours, my friends came back from the seminar. Their first words was "are you alright?".
"Yes", I answered simply.
"When the earthquake came I thought this building would probably be quite dangerous, it's quite old," one of my friends commented.
"It did shake hard indeed" I answered.

I worked a little while longer. We discussed about what each person was doing when the quake came, we checked a website, and found that most trains had stopped indefinately. I left a little early that day, going out to eat with my friends. We had made an appointment before the quake, and at that time I didn't know weather I was going to go, since I wanted to finish my work. The quake made up my mind for me, I was sure I wanted to get out and eat with my friends.

I think I've lived a full life all in all. If something would have happened, I think I wouldn't have been sorry about the way I've lived up to that point. I've balanced my life as well as I could. I looked at my friends and wondered. Are Japanese so used to earthquakes that they simply don't feel anything about a quake anymore? They continued to work that night as if nothing had happened. I'm not sure what was going throught their mind. The incedence didn't change the way they lived at all. I would have though that in a country where such unpredictable incedents were so common, that the people would live their lives to the fullest, enjoy every moment of it. That they continued to work on a Saturday night after such an earthquake supprised me. I don't know what they are thinking. They are used to it? Or what would they say if I asked them

"How would you feel if you had died today? Would you say that you have lived your life to the fullest?"

Yes, it's a cliche. But I'm sure if you were in my situation many of you would think about that question seriously. I'm not suggesting that I'm any more correct in my way of thinking than they are. Or maybe constant earthquake threats from a young age has gotten many Japanese used to it. Yes, it's unavoidable. Yes, worrying about it doesn't do anything, and I agree and I'm not the kind of person who thinks over it either. But once it a while, I'm sure such incidents will make a lot of us think of how we've been living our lives. "There is more to life than work," is a common excuse for some who simply do not want to work and slack off (including me sometimes), but yes, there is a truth in that phrase.

I had often wondered how people could live in such a country with such terrible potentially deadly environments weather it's tornados, earthquakes, or terrorism. To a certain degree, if it does not happen too often and isn't too deadly most of us will get used to it after a while. It's amazing when you think about it, that humans are able to adapt phychologically to the environment, the Israilies for example. In case of Japan everyone knows that it's only a matter of time before the next "big one", but when? It's impossible to know, so yes, till then we will live our lives "normally", yet a little more cautiously. There's nothing we can do about it to stop it, though we maybe able to do a bit to make our chances better at surviving through it if it happens. But maybe more importantly is that we should realize how fragile humans are, and how easily or suddenly our life can be taken from this world of ours...

That's life...

The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference

Recently I've gotten to read quite an interesting book:

The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference
by Malcolm Gladwell

The book is basically trying to come up with a theory of how "epidemics" start, weather it's in fashion, crime, or diseases. The interesting thing I found about this book, was not really the theory of the so called "Tipping Point" though. The idea didn't seem so revolutionary, and although the author makes some good arguments, there were also many others which could be disputed. The main problems I found with many of the ideas is the lack of conclusive evidence, in many cases, I felt that the outcome of certain theories were not very conclusive. In any case, that's really besides the point.
The interesting part about this book, I felt, was actually the many experiments about sociologists and anthropologists which were mentioned within the book. One theory I found interesting was related to crime, a theory so called, "Broken Window" theory. The theory basically states that crime is a result of chaos, and chaos is the result of the environment. It bascially says, for example that if there is a "broken window" left unfixed, people walk by seeing the window, and over time start to assume that since the window isn't fixed, that no body cares enough to fix it. This is the supposed start of choas. Then, seeing as it seems no body cares, some people (basically those who are prone to commit crime) will start to break more windows, and if those were not fixed, more and more windows will be broken, and this will be the start of chos, of crime. The author then uses the example of the massive drop of the crime rates in New York, starting from the subway system, in which the head of the subway system started to clean up the system by repainting the cars from graffiti. This ofcause seemed absurt at the time, as the people question why the railway would bother spending so much man power, money and time in cleaning up the train bogies when people have nearly stopped using the subway because of the high rates of rape, murder, and armed robbery in the subway. Spend the money on more security the people demanded, and so on. This was the first of a series of steps to bring down the crime rate in the subways.

The part I felt that was interesting is that I would have agreed with those people if I was in the same situlation. I would probably be puzzled at why they would spend that much money on cleaning the trains instead of getting more police, security etc. It's very interesting, since it made me realize even more clearly, sometimes, how little I understand many things in life, and I question myself weather I have been right in condemning authoroies sometimes on their actions. Could it be that they knew something more? Well, at least this doesn't seem to work with most Thai authoroties, I'm afraid to say that I don't believe most of them do not have such insite though maybe a few do.

Another really interesting theory I found was about emotion being contagious. That is to say, that emotions are not only an expression of the inner feelings, but also can be passed on. Not only that, but how much certain acts or external words only can be passed on from on to a person. A good example is the following paragraph I quote from the book:

..."Have you ever thought about yawning for instance? Yawning is a suprisingly powerful act. Just because you read the word "yawning" in the previous two sentences - and the two additional "yawns" in this sentence - a good number of you will probably yawn within the next few minutes. Even as I'm writing this I have yawned twice. If you're reading this in a public place and you've just yawned is now yawning too, and a good portion of the people watching the people watching the people who watched you yawn are now yawning as well, and on and on, in an ever-widening circle.
Yawning is incredibly contagious. I made some of you reading this yawn simply by writing the word "yawn." The people who yawned when they saw you yawn, meanwhile were infected by the site of you yawning - which is the second kind of contagion. They might have even yawned if they only heard you yawn, because yawning is also aurally contagious: if you play a audio tape of a yawn to a blind people, they'll yawn too. And finally, if you yawned as you read this, did the though cross your mind - however uncontiously and fleetingly - that you might be tired? I suspect that some of you did which means that yawns are also emotionally contagious.

The incredible thing about this is that when I was reading this, I yawned and I also had a fleeting though that I was tired. The author was right! Then later in the book the author goes on to mention about how experiments have shown that some people have the ability to infect others with emotions just by looking at others! I found this very interesting, along with a few other tidbits in the book. It's given me new found respect for sociologist and anthropologists. What about you? Did you yawn when you read the sentences?