The happiest saddest day

Her deterioration was much faster than I had expected.  Eventhough the doctor said she had probably 2-3 days left to live、somehow I didn't actually believe it.  She was still walking on Sunday night、with my support、and now just a day later the doctors said that she had 2-3 days left?  Somehow it didn't make sense.

But it seems that they were right.  On Sunday night she could still utter words、though sometimes not clearly、but by Tuesday she couldn't speak at all.  She slept for most of the day、and her eyes were closed most of the time even when she was awake、she couldn't keep them opened.   She always looked tired and breathed heavily in between spurts of no breathing as if she was running a marathon. Her body was shutting down.  She could now only communicate by nodding when we asked her questions、or squeeze our hands when we ask her a question as a way to respond.  She was trapped inside her own body.

It's such a strange mixed conflict of emotions.  When she slept、she looked so pieceful、but she could not respond to anything we said.  When she was awake、I was so happy to get some response from her.  However、when she was awake I can tell that she was in constant pain.  We were constantly tiliting her to the left and right as her body aked from the long time in bed.  Or we would try to keep her cool by using a wet towel.  Or we would have to ask the nurse to increase the morphine dose as she starts to move from constant pain in her stomach.  The pain of seeing your loved one suffer is something that must be experienced to be understood.  We all have to die、this I accept.  But is the suffering necessary?  I wondered.

The end neared as her blood pressure fell、and her heart rate started to drop.  We tried to make her as comfortable as possible、but it was nearly impossible to know what she wanted since she could no longer respond、 not even nodding or hand squeezing.  Her hands start to feel cold as the body tries to save the vital organs by diverting the blood to her body、away from her finger tips and feet.  Her heart started to slow slowly over the course of Wednesday night when the nurse said that her time is very near.  She's no longer moving.  Her mouth slightly opened、as some purplish black liquid starts dripping from her mouth from time to time.  I thought I knew what it was、I had read that as a person dies their body starts to loose control of keeping some liquids inside the body.  This was the end.

The heart rate dropped from 118 to 100 to 90 to 80 then suddenly down to 50-60.  No response at all.  This was the end I was sure.  Then her eyes half opened.  I wasn't sure if she was awake but the way she looked at me told me that she could see me.  I held her hand and started speaking to her.  I also opened one of her favourite songs、"nightingale serenade"、performed by her recent favourite musician Andre Rieu.  It was suddenly warm.  It was the first time her hand has been warm since last night.  Tears start streaming down my eyes as the song starts.  I could still remember her saying how this song was "so beautiful" as she fell asleep only 4 days earlier.

I told her how I was doing well and that she had nothing to worry any more.  I told her that her grand daughter was being a little spoiled by getting attention of everyone around her、but not to worry、I would discipline her.  Then my sister talked she told our mother to not worry about her、that she will help take care of dad.  "You can sleep peacefully now"...  And just like that her eyes closed and her heart slowed to a stop.  She could hear us、I was sure of it.  She came to say goodbye to us.

We all cried、it was so sad.  It was one of the saddest days in my life.  But at the same time it was also one of the happiest days for me because I got to say my last goodbye to my mum.  I was there in the end the support her in her last moment.  It was a blessing、that I am sure many may not be able to experiance、to be with your loved one、holding their hand to comfort them and looking them in the eye in the last moment.  As their eyes shut、shut never to open again...