A choice, doubt, and guilt…

Based on my own view and plan, I haven’t had much trouble planning and choosing what I want for my future. For the most part, I could say that the goals and landmarks have been quite clear, I know basically what I want for my future, and I know what I must do to achieve them. Of cause, there have been moments when not all have been going according to plan, but I’ve so far managed some way to get around those problems. What I think I really want to say here is that I haven’t had much problem determining my choices, when considering only the effects that those choices will have on my life. However, just as life will have it, other factors come into play making the choices that much more harder to make, when my choices will, in some direct or indirect way affect those around me.

All in all, I think I’ve been a good son in most respects, I’ve gotten a decent education, haven’t done things which would get me into trouble with the law, feel responsibility for my actions, and I love my parents and am willing to go out of my way at times to make them happy in general. Of cause, I’m not perfect and have done a couple of things I’m not so proud of at a younger age, but they are minor. However, one thing that I have started to have pangs of guilt with in recent years, is my absence (and continued plan of absence) from my home in Thailand. My parents married late in their lives and they are a good ten or more years older than many of my friend’s parents, yes, they’re getting old… Actually they are old, somehow that’s one word I don’t like to hear. They have been very good parents and have always given me freedom in choosing my own future, but from time to time they would let out words which would let me know, either intentionally or not, that they are waiting for me to be back by their side. Recently of cause I’ve gotten to think more closely about this matter, especially since my father is not in the best of health. Of cause, nothing critically serious yet, but signs of ageing are starting to show.

Let me talk about my father a little bit. He’s a man I greatly respect, perhaps of most people, and has worked all his life to allow me the privileges I enjoy today. Working has been his life’s devotion to bring us a good life. He should be retiring now, and has tried that, but went back to work. In more ways than one, this is good for him, he would be too bored sitting around at home, and it’s at work that he get to meet people and get respect that his life’s hard work has earned him. Especially now that I’m not around at home, and my sister will be going abroad for further studies soon, home, will be a much lonelier place. My mom is also lonely obviously, but she is able to adapt more quickly since she has quit work since I was born, and have sisters in the same situation. She also likes to travel, and this gives her something to do. She too is lonely I expect, but I’ll leave this to another talk, since I would like to concentrate this one on my father.

My farther is quite different. He doesn’t like to travel per say, he already travels enough during work, and working all his life would make it difficult for him to stay home and do nothing productive all day. I contact my parents weekly, most of the time speaking to my mother. I know my father loves me of cause, he’s not good with words, but I know he loves my sister and I just as much as my mother, just from observing his actions, and what he says from time to time. Sometimes, he also tells my mother things, or let out a few sentences often in his semi-humorous style that shows how he really feels. Recently on my call home, my mother told me that my father said to my sister a few days ago “Can’t you not go overseas, please? You can stay and study here, and I can help you!”, this of cause was not in an angry, but his usual semi-humorous tones. In these rear moments when he expresses his feelings, which have become more often recently, we all know it’s because he’s lonely. When it comes to “being a good son”, I find it much easier to keep my mother happy, and myself a little less guilty. I could buy her a calendar during New Year, of some nice scenery during new year, or send her some nice tea via mail, and she always have stuff to say on the phone. My father is different however. From the area outside his work, he has little interest in such things, and if I really ask myself what would make him happy, I could honestly come up with only one answer, for me to go back and visit him in Thailand. This obviously limits my choices greatly, since I cannot go home that often to visit him. But that’s exactly the same thing that gives me guilt, since at this age, I know that it is what all parents would want, and I’m afraid to think of how much more time fate will give us to be together.

I feel even greater guilt since I know that for my future, it is best for me to stay over seas, at least for a while and work, after I graduate which further prolongs my stay away from home. The truth is, I’ve been overseas for so long that if not for my parents; I would be quite comfortable staying overseas. Today this guilt has multiplied… I called home, and was talking to my mother; she was talking about how my father has gone back to working and how he’s happy with work now. “He’s signed a contract for 2 years with this company, well I think it’s good for him, since he likes working, and it would be good since in another two years you and your sister will graduate, and he may retire”, said my mother. What she didn’t say, but what she meant or at least knew that my father’s wish was, was that after two years my sister and I would graduate, and we would be home or at least close around with him and my mother. Yes, it made sense after all, at that time, my father would almost certainly have to retire, because his age has already put him over the age of retirement of the company by many years.

The problem of cause is that I have no plans of returning after my graduation. I’ve been around in Thailand, at least a year after graduation from my masters, and my parents know how down I felt when I was in Thailand at that time. Of cause, I expected it. The fact of the matter is that I cannot find any job that I like in Thailand, since there is no need for a person with my expertise in the field outside academia, which I do not plan to enter at this stage. I have already considered this fact before going to the course in my masters, and was willing to do what it takes (whether it be stay overseas and work, getting a PhD etc.), so as to widen my scope and make possible for me to return to Thailand and have a greater chance of fathering my goals, later if I wanted to go into academia or any other options that my open during the future in Thailand. But the point is that this was not in my plan for the present recent future… In deed, I had failed to consider how this would make my parents feel, and what age and situation they would be at that stage… It is a difficult problem, of cause, and one that I will have to work on. Should I continue with my plans? Or give it up, or at least make a compromise to be closer to home??? Yes, my parents do mean a lot to me, and if the costs of perusing my plans are that high, I may need to reconsider. Considering, however, how much I've put into persuing my dream since highschool however, it will not be easy for me to reconsider. Home to my parents, that’s the only reason I would want to go home… And so I listen to Michael Buble’s song “Home” with my own alternative interpretation, while writing this when I should be studying for my Japanese exam tomorrow and the day after!